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I don't know if it's a bad thing that I rarely write anymore. You know what I do? I kind of just say it. And when I say it, he probably thinks I'm crazy but he let's me say it anyway.

So, I am, without the slightest doubt, the most masochistic person that I have ever known. Seriously, I thought about it. With the exception of certain Twilight characters (you know you love Twilight references.. everyone loves Twilight references) I top the list of most masochistic. I'm not really complaining. I guess it's just who I am. I know it's silly and an open door for my on again, off again lover named Neurosis.. But I think it's kind of funny at the same time. I think. I think I think it's kind of funny. That's not a typo. Like, I laugh at myself for being this masochistic. After I've allowed my soul to be torn out and placed back into position of course.. I mean it's just not prudent to laugh in the process of soul ripping and repositioning. So I laugh afterwards.
I'm watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning. Again. That's just if you needed proof of my masochism. I love it though. I absolutely love every second (@Cliff: I'd still pick the other kind of seconds though:)). I just watched the last episode of season 2 and the first episode of season 3. Even though I know absolutely everything that happens and I can probably even recite lines in unison with the characters.. I still laugh and cry and gasp and allow my heart to race when it's called for. I'm really excessive. I play the part. What the hell is the point of this if I'm not going to be as active a participant the second time around?! For example: (spoiler.. but you deserve it if you haven't watched Grey's yet!) When Derek & Meredith hook up in the examination room at the prom.. when he was talking to her? I nearly died, it was so intense.
I even find myself prepping myself for the parts that I know really hit me hard. Like when Denny dies. The whole time leading up to it, in my head I say "oh no, it's going to happen soon. It's happening. This is going to be awful. ...Hasn't it happened yet? I thought it was at minute 33:23:11?! Oh.. here it is.." And then it happens and I'm all like "OMG HE'S DEAD!! MY HEART. IT'S BROKEN."
Yeah, that's me.
crazy crazy
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It was hard, but I thought it was going to be okay. I really did. Until I started to smell like you. It was everywhere & I couldn't escape it. It seeped out through my pores like last night's alcohol. It entrenched and embarrassed all the same. It made me sick to my stomach, but I couldn't stop breathing deep-- sucking in as much as I could, trying to memorize it.
You always loved to get under my skin.

Just in case anyone takes it the wrong way.. my little italic mini-vignettes, I suppose you can call them, are in general totally separate from my life. They are fictional/sometimes loosely based on reality vignettes. Please look up "vignettes" if you don't know what that means.


I am so tired of feeling tired. Anddd just crappy in general. I can't wake up in the morning, and I can't go to bed at night.. no matter what time each ends up taking place. I keep turning my fan on and off. Never having it on either for more than a few minutes. It's boiling hot, then freezing cold. This morning I woke up shiveringgg.. it's awful.

When I need to say important things to people and I have time to think about what I'm going to say beforehand, I write them down. It's a habit I picked up, and now I do it all the time. It's annoying, I hate it. But I don't deny that it makes me feel more secure, whether I need the security or not. Every now and then I come across a note I had made to myself that tells me what I was supposed to say in a long since over conversation. It's good and it's bad. It reminds me of feeling a way that I don't remember feeling sometimes. It reminds me that I'm not a blabbering idiot, as I sometimes turn into when I can't get my thoughts together. It also shows me the things I never said that I wanted to. Never asked. It doesn't make me sad or anything, but it allows me to wonder about what would happen if I haddd said that last sentence.. or asked that last question. I don't lose sleep over it (okay, I know I'm up at 3:30am nowww, but that's neither why, or the point) but I just find it fascinating to look at myself back then, in a third person perspective now.

I think I'll try to sleep now..

P.S. Thank you Grey's Anatomy for awesome songs<3
Tags: ,
in bed
pensive pensive
The Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin
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Introductions and conclusions are the weakest part of all my essays and formal writing.

So I went to the doctor's office today. I had about a bucket of blood taken and an ECG. They want to hate me in the lab. They want to so badly. They try and it fails. Once I get them alone I'm much too charming and they crack. You're laughing at me and I know it. You're actually scrolling down my journal making mental note of all the cynicism and general "I hate people" attitude that I have displayed. Am I denying it? Not at all. But I'm actually very nice sometimes. I'm mostly nice, actually. To most (this is the crucial sentence. You think it's the next one but it's not. It's this one. Well not THIS one. the one before I opened the parenthesis.) Let's just say I'm nice until I'm not.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy the rollercoaster of emotions involved for the lab staff in being the patient from hell that has to have half her blood drained tediously into tiny vials. I love how annoyed they are with me, especially when I show no signs of patience in the waiting room and linger at the desk (oh, come on.. there's NO ONE else in the lab. You don't needddd to make me wait 20 minutes and I don't want to sit in your chairs that are discoloured in ominous places.) But like I was saying, I'm just much too charming when I finally get them in the blood room (as I call it) alone. And you can see it.. the inner struggle between keeping up their total annoyance with me and totally knowing they want to tell me allllll about how their vacation was. By the time I walk out of there, they are totally baffled at what to think of me. I'd think I was crazy if I was them and had any sense.
You know, it's kind of sick really. I think it might be. It's either sick of me to do, or sick of me to actually be this way. Sometimes I don't even notice. It's totally subconscious. I'm the most hateful creature, then I'm the sweetest thing you've ever met. Or vice-versa depending on the situation. It works for me though. I don't like being the latter the entire time.. you get treated like a doormat. And a doormat I am most certainly not. But you have to add a little honey to your tea or it just doesn't taste right does it?

I've been watching Frasier for over a week. I love Frasier. Well, Niles is my absolute favourite, though. I'm going back to Frasier (and Niles<3) now.
recumbent recumbent
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How does having ABSOLUTELY NO LIFE OF YOUR OWN feel? It must be pretty shitty. I have no idea how you do it. Personally, I would have doused myself in gasoline and lit a match if I were you. But I'm not. So here you are.. still. Astonishing, really.
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Call me Mary Shelley.

I want to take back the last three hours. I'm sorry. I hate how you feel. I hate it. I want it to go away and never return. I feel like a monster. I'm probably the worst human being on the planet that has not actually committed any crimes against humanity. Well, real crimes against humanity. Because I would personally call this a crime against humanity. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Violently. But I can't do that. Firstly, because I HATE puking, and secondly, because I'm afraid it just won't stop if it starts. This is awful. I want to take it back SO badly. UNDO! UNDO! ...CtrlAltDELLLLL! I'm a bad person. You know, I thought I could be better. Did you know that? Yeah, I did. I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

When I went to make this post, a pop-up popped up and said "restore from draft?" and I clicked yes, wondering what my draft was. The above in italics was what was saved in drafts. I remember that night very well. It was awful. My laptop battery died and I never got a chance to post it. I feel like if I just delete it & never post it that I'm lying. Like my journal knows there was a post between posts that I did not post.

On to tonight's topic...

I HATE animal services. I don't even think they LIKE animals.

I think I just hate government workers in general as well. Really 911 answering lady? Is a prerequisite that you have to be bitter and cold? Do you have to put on the "I can't believe you just interrupted me filing my nails" voice?

Yeah, I don't like people. In general, I honestly do not like people. People can be great. They can amaze you & be wonderful & brilliant. I don't have a closed mind, I am open to the possibility that they could be great. Until I see, or feel that they are, however, I don't like people.


Basically, what happened was that we came out of the movie theatre and there was a bird on top of a car.  Some kids were trying to scare it to see if it could fly, but it wasn't flying, it was injured.  Some guy came by and said it was a baby owl, but I'm still pretty convinced that it's a baby peregrine falcon, because it looked just like thisCollapse )
. Anyway, the people whose car it was, an elderly couple, came out and were kind of lost at what to do. Not knowing who to call, we called 911 and they directed us to animal services. Kind of not very friendly, but okay, I understand, we called 911 for a baby bird. We're even. This is how it went:

8:30pm - In the parking lot, looking at the bird. Trying to assess the situation.
9:00pm - On hold with animal services. It's Tuesday night at 9:00pm, mind you, and all of their operators are busy. NBA finals game 6 also starts at this time.
9:15pm - Still on the phone. Animals services decides to pick up now. We've been listening to crappy elevator music for 15min. The woman says that their office is closed now, and they are working on an on-call basis. We tell her the situation. She asks for our contact information so that the person who will be coming can reach us. Okay, we give it to her. That's fine. No need to be nice or anything. Sorry we interrupted your exciting life. I'm sure the phones are ringing off the hook at animals services right now.. we'll let you get back to that.
9:20pm - We decide to walk over the Casey's (pretty much in the same parking lot) so we could watch the game but not be very far in case they came. Crowd of people around the car with the bird.
9:21pm - We arrive at Casey's. Celtics are losing by 20 points. Yay..
9:30pm - Look out to see what's going on in the parking lot. Bird is still there. People are still gathered.
9:45pm - Animal services woman who was the "on-call" woman, calls me. She sounds groggy, like she was sleeping. She asks me to tell her the situation. I tell her. She asks, rather sharply, "how do you know that thats the kind of bird it is???" I answer her in telling her that I was looking up pictures of different kinds of baby birds on the phone and it looked the most like a peregrine falcon. Okay, that's fine. "Is it seriously injured? Because I only come out on call if it's an emergency." I reply, well, it's on a car. It cannot fly. It's a baby. It will not move. These people cannot drive away. It will fall off and die. "Okay, I guess I will come. I can only contain it if I have to though." Great, you should come now. Thanks.
10:25pm - We leave Casey's and head back to the bird.
10:33pm - I call back the woman that was supposed to come. It has been 45min. She should have been here. It's cold.
10:35pm - There is an answer. I say that we've been waiting and wondering when this is going to be taken care of. She says "you're still there? The woman came by and didn't see anyone." She sounds an AWFUL lot like the same person. I didn't know there was another animals services woman sharing the same cell phone as her, sounding just as groggy and ignorant as her. Whatttt a coincidence.. I say "We are still here. I do not think that you could miss us. There is a crowd of people. There is a bird on a car. We have been here for hours. The AMC sign is huge and brightly lit. We are UNDER it. There is no way that "she" could have missed us. "She" has my cell phone number. Why would she not call if she were here and did not see us?" The woman replies with "okay, I will come out myself." As IFFFFF she totally did not just make up the person who didn't come. As if her family/housemates are just a team of animal service on-call people and it WASN'T her who was the person who DIDN'T get off her FAT, UGLY, suburban soccer mom ass and is now making imaginary animal service friends.
10:41pm - "Just calling to make sure you're on your way. Can't be too sure." And in a groggy voice, once again.. "You know, I'm ON CALL. I'm in my home. I have to leave and come there." "Well, then you should do just that. When do you think you'll be here?" "15-20 minutes." "Okay, thanks."
10:56pm - Exactly 15 minutes later "Hi, are you on your way?" "I'm just getting off the highway." "Great." She hung up. Nasty little woman isn't she? Well, not so little.
10:58pm - Pulls up in her City of Toronto van. Hops out. I turn to Cliff and say "I hate this woman. She is ugly." I know I'm not nice.
10:59pm - She says "I have never seen anything like this before." Yeah, I really dislike you. You suck. At your job. At your haircut. At your waistline. You suck. Who says that? THATS GREAT. Neither have WE.. that's why YOU ARE HERE.
11:00pm - She takes the bird and puts him in a cage. She says she will take him to the wildlife recovery place tomorrow.
11:05pm - Finally pulling out of the parking lot. Watching her van pull away. Poor birdie :( It was so cute. "She's going to eat it." - Cliff

I feel like I didn't even do justice to how shitty she was. How shitty people are in general with dealing with any sort of situation. I'm sorry about the soccer mom comment. I know some really awesome soccer moms. I'm referring to trailer trash suburban crass soccer moms. Not even necessarily soccer moms.. but that's just the best picture I can paint for you at this time. Just those illiterate ignorant cows that think they're God's gift to society/consumerism.
I have serious issues I should probably deal with. They have root, don't worry. I'm not sure I believe in therapy though. So don't you dare suggest it. Or I will be angry. I believe in anger management as therapy, believe it or not. It kind of fucks with people though. I feel like it's the breeding ground for passive aggressiveness.

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The breeze from the open window above my head is making me cold-ish. But I like it. I'm definitely feeling drowsy.

I just saw an advertisement for the movie "It's Complicated" and now I really want to see it.

Today was one of those days that just made me happy. Just the day itself. And it's not even a Friday. I think I'm just a friendlier, more up beat, nicer person when it's warm & sunny out. Not that I'm not great on cold, rainy days... I'm just a lot less likeable.

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It's absolutely hideous and absolutely beautiful at the veryyy same time. In my opinion anyway. And its not necessarily about finding the beauty in ugly things. Not for these purposes. I just mean its horrible, but it's great. Not in the same places. But at the same time. Some places are just empty--full or not. And some places are full. And the empty ones? They're hideous. They dont have anything. They don't make you feel anything. At least if you're in a full place thats awful, you feel sad or hurt or angry. Whatever it is, its something. Not nothing.
So the empty places? Absolutely hideous. I cannot stand to be there. The full places? Absolutely beautiful--pretty or not.

Yeah you totally don't even know. I know. But thats okay, you know?

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So, I'm trying this new thing where I try to be a good person. I try, I really do. Okay, well at certain times I know I could be trying harder.. But I'm going to play the role of "victim of circumstance" in those particular circumstances. It is notttt my fault that people, to put it in simple terms, suck.
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Wear socks to bed when you are sick.

Never save old text messages & then masochistically read them late at night. Or ever, really.

Always take your make-up off before bed.


Do not wear white underwear with white clothes. Even though it seems to make sense.

Listen to old people.

Don't use embarrassing ringtones. Its bad enough when it rings in a place where its not supposed to. Beyonce addressing all of the single ladies in church is not received well.

Do not make irrational/emotionally driven phonecalls or text when intoxicated.
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